An Open Letter to Americans
June 24, 2020

There's nothing to worry about, this letter proves it.

I'd like to point out that I didn't personally write this letter, but the author gave me permission to post and share it. The views reflected in this letter do not necessarily reflect the views of the authors, editors, publishers, producers, or coffee-persons of

Dear Americans,

COVID-19 is out there, and you know what? It's not so bad! Here's why:

- Social distancing has all but eliminated our ability to worship and socialize. You should be as close to your friends as you wish.

- Did you know that masks can make people sick, and are an assault on your personal freedom? They can't even stop an airborne COVID-19 molecule!

- Don't look at COVID-19 case numbers, they're wrong! We've repeatedly been told that tests have been issuing false positives and are not to be trusted.

- Don't look at hospitalization numbers. People are sick from lots of things. Besides, we have plenty of ventilators to take care of the sick. If anyone gets sick enough to need a ventilator, the ventilator will take care of it!

- Don't look at death statistics either. Doctors are calling any death they can COVID-19 so they can get some extra insurance kickbacks. We can't trust them.

- Even if you get COVID-19, there's nothing to worry about. Most cases are asymptomatic! And it only has a less than 1% chance to kill you. Just keep doing you, boo. There's a high chance that nothing permanent will happen to you.

In the end, everything is going to be just fine. This disease is obviously just the news media making a mountain out of a molehill, and it will all blow over on its own. Do me a favor, though, ignore that coughing person over there.

Hopefully yours forever,



(Mostly) Original Content Since 1996