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When Is It Okay to Kill?
September 01, 2020

Follow-up: Is this what we've come to?

The news lately has been full of people killing each other for a variety of reasons. Since our society is apparently now in need of some sort of "acceptable killing guide," here are a few scenarios to help you understand when it is okay or justifiable to kill.

Say you're a protester, and you see someone counter-protesting your protest. You decide to protest closer to them, and they protest your protest by protesting back in your personal protest space. The protest starts to get physical and you remember that you brought your gun to this protest for this very situation. Is it OK to kill them? NO. Why are you escalating all this in the first place? Did ... did you go to this protest with the intent to kill people that disagree with you?

Say you're a person growing a tomato plant, and you notice ants starting a trail towards your homemade tomatoes. Is it OK to kill them? NO. Ants typically don't go after tomato plants, unless they're going after any aphids that are on the leaves. Leave nature be.

Say you're a police officer, and you are trying to arrest someone for a non-violent offense. Your suspect has been resisting the entire time, and you have tried almost everything you can to subdue them. The suspect breaks free, and they are starting to run away. They are faster than you. Is it OK to kill them? NO. Running from the police is not a capital offense. Put down the gun, you will get them next time.

It's the end of the workday, and there are two donuts left from the dozen that were bought for the whole staff in the morning. There is no night shift -- the donuts will be thrown in the trash soon. Is it OK to kill them? NO. COVID made you gain fifteen pounds, don't do that to yourself!

Say you're a person who has done something wrong, and you just know the police are coming for you about it. You don't want to go to jail for a crime you didn't commit. Is it OK to kill them? NO. Don't do the bad thing in the first place, and have the stones to own up to it if you did.

Say you're tired of the way the system is being run, and you want to take it down a peg. You have an old rag, a lighter, and some Kirkland vodka. Do you chuck it at a crowd of police officers holding a line in front of a government building? NO. You moron. At best, that helps nothing, and at worst, that's how you get you and your co-protesters shot.

Say you're a person who hasn't done anything wrong, and the police come to ask you about something that someone else did. You feel that they are going to try to pin you down for a crime you didn't commit. Is it OK to kill them? NO. Quit being paranoid!

You're playing a popular video game where the objective is to kill as many people from the other team as possible. There are only two people left: you and one opponent. You have them dead to rights, and they don't have any idea where you are. You win the game if you take them out right now. Is it OK to kill them? NO. Why are you playing violent video games in the first place? That's what's probably the root cause of all these earlier scenarios! All those senators in the 90s were right, violent video games are nothing but trouble. Go get Animal Crossing or something.

We hope these scenarios help guide your moral compass regarding when it's okay to kill. Next week, tune in to "when is it okay to have sex with your neighbor's spouse?" The answer may shock you!

BONUS: It's the end of the workday, and there are two donuts left from the dozen that were bought for the whole staff in the morning. Four people want the donuts -- you, your best friend, and two people whose political views don't align with yours. Is it OK to kill them? Yes, but only because your friend is there to help disappear the bodies. Then you each get a donut!


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