Don't Buy An Electric Car
March 12, 2022

Not now, in the future, or even in the past

Electric car production is up! With newer models, batteries last longer overall and can take you further per charge. The cars themselves are cheaper. With gas prices not going down anytime soon, now is a fantastic time to join the ranks of electric car drivers!

At least, that's what they want you to think.

Let's say you bite, you go out and buy yourself an electric car. The trap is set, and now you're done; you are now under the bootheel of big battery. The electrical-industrial complex.

At first things are great. The engine is quiet, but it has TORQUE. You no longer find yourself sitting in the hour long Costco lines every week for cheap gas. Driving an electric car feels like the future, but at what cost?

Your lifestyle starts changing. You find yourself no longer wondering what a "transmission" does. You're setting up a charging station in your driveway. Not one of the basic trickle units, but one of the giant, partially underground capacitive chargers. Your spouse leaves you, and you can't follow them because they made sure it was to a place outside of the range of a single charge.

Things get bad. You stop seeing your friends because all they want to do is hang out outside Chevron. Visits to Circle K are awkward as you buy a $6 bag of chips and try to come up with an inoffensive answer to the clerk's inevitable question: "any gas with that?"

You realize what you're becoming, and you don't like it. You're changing, and you want to change back. You miss the smell of gasoline. You steal a neighbor's catalytic converter just so you can weld the muffler to the back of your car. But it doesn't help. You own an electric car, and the world will never be the same.

Things get worse. You start backsliding into fossil fuels again, looking for that hit of nostalgic, petroleum-scented dopamine. You buy a gas powered stove. A propane grill. Water heater. Dryer. Remote control. Big battery can't win. You won't let them.

But it's too late. The damage is already done. Electric cars are reducing our overall emissions and loosening our dependency on foreign oil. Your life will never be the same.

It's now the future. Buying an electric car has left you a broken, empty shell of a person. But there's hope: a knock on the door. You bring yourself to answer it and see a well-dressed man on the other side with a brochure in his hand:

"I'm here to talk to you about solar panels."

You try to cry, but there is nothing left.


Front Page
Front Page

Crafted lovingly in Notepad since the late 90s